Shiraz’s

Hmmm meant to update ages ago but come on.. Friendster’s dead….

Exam’s over for almost a month… Lots has happened… Especially last weekend… I guess I better start blogging in my new blog that I created sometime ago… I thought I would be dead bored this summer and plan to start blogging like other people who have nothing better to do in life. Guess I was wrong… I always have something better to do. Haha. Can’t wait for my first Christmas away from home.. Gonna build my own wonderful memories… Tata friendster…

Hey yup! It’s my relaxing weekend and how did I waste it? By making myself busy. *sigh* Hehe I can’t believe this is the only free weekend I will have this whole semester!! Anyways, I’m now lazying myself around in bed =p

Stop, rain! Stop!!!
It’s been a wet winter this year and it’s been raining non-stop these two weeks. At least I had a beautiful Saturday yesterday to start my weekend. When will the rain stop?? It’s suppose to be fine starting yesterday but it’s cloudy now =(

Oh I went for a haircut a couple days ago, in the rain!!! *Sobs* It’s alright I guess, wait till the rest see it, I bet they’re gonna say what I know they’ll say. It’s not as I expected la, period. I wanted a new hairdo, shoulder-length etc like 3 years ago… Sigh. I guess what I know is the truth since all the hairdressers I go to here said the same thing. And yes, I know my hair’s damn straight? Jealous much? But I want volume ler… =p I love my hair, by the way. Hehe. Always have, always will. (Gosh, not trying to sound like Blair)

August’s here *gulp*
Haha yes! August’s here. Meaning I’ll be busy for the next 3 months =( And I know this year hasn’t been the best for everyone..lots of incidents, bad ones has happened. Well, you’re not alone, my friend. But (I can’t believe I’m saying this) I’M GLAD JUNE AND JULY ARE FINALLY OVER! (June has always been my favourite month except this year, hell yeah!) All the bad vibes will soon disappear, now that it’s August. A great time for a new start. One more month of cold, wet winter… time to pay my ‘debts’ since fasting month is starting in September *sigh*

Sunday, 3rd.
Happy 20th, Mei Mei!!!!!!! Hehe this post is dedicated just for you. LOLz! Hope everything’s alright now with your apartment, your lost N73… I hope we can still have a twin phone. =D May God bless you.. Miss ya lots! Speaking of her birthday, another good friend of mine birthday’s coming up, too =) Excited, Chen?? Oh and Qayyum’s too. Hehehehe.

This whole week I’ve been listening to mummy’s oldies songs. I downloaded them from Limewire (Yes, Jay. I know how liao. Haha. But it’s not based on your instruction though. I learnt it from my ‘daughter’ here. Hehehe. She explained better =p) It’s a bit too much to download the whole collection.. Sigh I’ve got about 5 songs. I wish I have the CDs.. I need them sometimes. That’s why it’s best to be at home. =D Everything’s there.

Welcome second semester! So, goodbye first
semester as to me you never existed. My results were terrible; I couldn’t put
in words how I feel until now. Other than disappointed and frustrated, I really
wished I had gone home for good before finals.

So far, university life is starting to kill
me again. I now have lab reports to be done, CAD assignment to be completed, quizzes
to score. I begin to question myself again, ‘WHAT HAVE I GOT MYSELF INTO???!!!’
Anyways, I’m accepting life as it is now. I believe I will be worse if I don’t.

Greatest Mistake

I’m sure everyone has done a mistake in one’s
life, big or small. I did one greatest one. Or I participated in one. I can’t say
I regret doing it. But I acknowledge what I did and I am now trying things
differently. I hope the other person does it, too — my partner in crime.

Trying to turn over a new leaf, is that too
late? You’ll never know until you try. When I said I want to clear the air, and
start anew, I really meant it. But, you have to play your role, too, for it to
work. Or else, what’s the point? (I hope you know who you are)

I saw your smile earlier. I know that
smile. I saw it before, I loved it then. A skip of heartbeat I felt made me
happy even for a second, but when I think of what could cause that smile, I
wonder and I got sad. Was it for me? Was it because of me? Was it genuine? I
can be very complicated sometimes, and I always thought I’m a simple girl.
*sigh*

Friends or Foe

I’m blessed with people around me, people
whom I call friend. But sometimes, am I really your friend, or just a person
passing by, in your life?

There’s this friend. I thought I know this
person well. It’s almost a year now when we first met, and this year I wanted
to share my special moment with all those I care here, but this person chose to
do something instead on my night. And now, another person, only about a month
who just entered my friend’s life and my friend skipped her normal routine and
spend the night with the new person?? How is that possible? Thinking of how
could my friend do that to me is really upsetting me this very moment and I
guess I was wrong. I begin to wonder where I stand in the ‘pyramid’ of friends
of my friend.

Exam’s finally over… Well, 4 days ago.. I thought last year’s first semester exam was horrible because for the first time I didn’t answer 2 BIOL111 essay questions, both 10 marks each. This year, I answered one question short for EMTH210, I didn’t solve mass balance question worth 30 marks for my last paper ENCh250! I simply drew for my ENCH263 test, and not to mention ENCH241 Engineering Chemistry and ENCH254 Fluid Mechanics. Anyways, what’s done is done. I’ll just wait for the horrible results that’ll spoil my Internal Transcript.

Since then, I went on a day trip to Akaroa and Castle Hill after the exam. I wished I went to Lake Tekapo, though. Winter’s still a long way to go. Can’t believe June’s over and July’s coming… Best month of the year is over soon. I hardly enjoyed June this year.

My 21st
Well, it could have been better but it was alright. A friend reminded me it could be worse. And, I’m glad it wasn’t. But yeah, it could have been better. I went for lunch with Mic and friends, Osaka Restaurant. Later that night, I went for dinner at Lone Star Restaurant in the city and celebrated the night with another friend of mine, Esther. I was so hungry that night, I could ate my three-quarter-plate Honky Tonk Chicken meal!! It would have been great if my real family was around…

Hehe just moments after my previous post, yeps! It’s snowing!!! Hope it’ll snow again next Saturday =)I’m beyond happy now!!!!! I shared my moment…. with Mr. Snow. Oh i missed Snowie.

June… Is my favourite month of all. Lots of birthdays this month, and other merry celebrations. It’s suppose to be a happy month. But, why am I still upset?? 21st Brithday for majority is a huge celebration. It’s the year you receive a gold necklace and fancy watch — Well, that was what I was told by a friend of mine. Others said that it’s when you received key-lock necklace… *tsk* I don’t know who to listen. All I want is to be happy… I want everything that I’ve been missing for my life so far to happen. It was a mistake to prevent things from happening but I’m taking risks now. I’m a grown up. That’s what grown ups do… Taking risk. I remember my first birthday away from home, when I turned 18 in LMC. It was seriously depressing even though my friends were around, there’s just a wee part that’s missing, if you know what I meant. Same thing happened last year. It’s not good to be alone, as long there’s someone to celebrate it with you but what if the crowd isn’t really the crowd you want?
I’m making a big decision now to ‘disappear’ on my birthday, and be alone. Sounds terrible, I know but I just don’t want to be disappointed already. I had enough. But there’s a strong part of me that just want to lock myself in my room. Birthdays isn’t really a big deal to me, it’s just another day… But I want some changes, I want to be happy. Oh please God, please let me wake up to a beautiful white day. If that happens, I promise I won’t do some silly stuffs. Call me insane but flying back to Malaysia on June 12th and never coming back seems like a perfect thing to do at the moment. At least I’ll be home with my family on my 21st Birthday. It’s sad when I think about some other people having their family around on their birthdays, celebrating with them. As for me, I have no one. Not even someone special that I can celebrate with, not even my wie-boy.
When will I ever get what I wished for that I wished years and years ago? When will I ever be satisfied? When will I ever be happy? When will I ever get to have the moment?

Yes. I did it. I finally followed my heart. But now my heart is aching. Why do I feel like things won’t change? What else can I do in order to continue where we left off last year? I’m sick. And it’s no joke.
I’m already in a difficult, unresolved situation and someone is just making it worse. WHY can’t people just simply understand I need a time off? I’m tired. Please don’t make things worst for me than it already is. If only people can be understanding and considerate. If only. I’m facing a lot at the moment and the only thing I can do now is wait. I called home and I cried when I heard mom’s voice. Like always, she knows something is wrong but she has no clue what it is about. I can’t discuss it with anyone. Not even to someone professional. Not even my mom.
It’s killing me. The wait. It’ll kill me even more if I don’t get what I want for once. Please open your mind. Do this for me. I did it for you already and it certainly didn’t work out for me. Can we do it my way this time? Please!

Your Silence
I’m sitting here in your silence
Waiting patiently for recognition

For a word
For a breath
For a touch

But I am raw
Because I watch your hand instead of writing
And I hear you breathe instead of breathing

I sitting here in you silence
Waiting……………………………………….

The ending of the story from the previous post….. is surprisingly sad. Well, it’s not surprising to me, Haha… because I suspected that it will be a sad ending. Well, since it is based on a true story, there’s never a happy ending, is there? I guess in real life, there is no fairy tale, happy ending, and they lived happily ever after, all those sorts or crap. In real life, life is always full of sadness, tears and sorrow. Despite that I know the lead male character will be as stubborn as he is till the very end, so like a bull, and  that he’s just simply torturing the lead female character, I still cried at the end. I suppose I can really relate to the female character, how she felt and all. I feel the torture. I feel her sadness. I guess I’ve been through all that she had. Dear God, can man be so cruel? Why did you create one at the beginning…?

Another day, another dilemma.
I’ve been doing all my best since last year to let go of something that’s fond to me and something that I’m proud of, my memories. But today made me realize, what did I do wrong that I don’t deserve to be happy? I let you in, I let you touch, I let you feel, what more can I do to let you love me? What else can I do to make you trust me that I can be in your inner circle? Why won’t you open to me like you would with someone who obviously left you before? I can accept your past, but why can’t you accept me? Why did you backed out suddenly, in less than 24 hours? Why, why, why???!!! I deserve to know. I deserve an explanation. I deserve an apology. You may not realized what you did, but you made me fall for you even harder. Why didn’t you stop before things got worse? WHY? I’m still holding on to you even though I know it’s hopeless. I know everyone deserves a chance, a second chance. Don’t you?
If you haven’t notice I’m being cold to you because the best thing for me now is to make you hate me so things will be easier for me. It’s a foolish act but I have no other choice. So, please hate me, so I can get on with my life. But do understand that I don’t want you to hate me because no matter what I can never ever hate you. To you, I may be a mistake but not to me. I won’t dare to commit unless I’m 100% sure.
However, if the reason for you to back out that time is because you still can’t move forward from your past, please do try slowly. I’ll be here, waiting.